Letters I'm Writing: To Myself

In the next edition of “Letters I’m Writing,” I chose myself.

It has been a long 40 years existing. Especially the last decade. So, I decided to go into 2026 reflecting on that.

If you have ever hated yourself, then this letter is for you.

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Hey, CJ, it’s me–the person you hate most in this world.

I initially came here to write a letter to help you change your false beliefs, but I know there is no convincing you. So instead, I am going to write you a love letter.

Because, CJ, I’m so f*cking proud of you.

I am standing on the foundation of everything you endured.

I exist because you never gave up, even when it was easier to do so.

All the years you spent in hatred and rage are a dull hum now. If I listen carefully, I can still hear them. But they no longer run the show.

Your life was characterized by fear.

Fear of being a monster.

Fear of being unknown.

Fear that the torment would never end.

Each day, you woke up to a stadium of people who hurled their judgements and sneers at you.

All their screaming and shouting. Reminding you of every wrong you have committed and everything that was wrong with you.

And you believed them.

So, they became your excuse to continue on in the pain.

I know just how deeply you felt you were unforgivable.

You believed you were not worth joy.

But you fought and never stopped believing in me.

What You Survived

Eighteen years old, in the car with Ariana and newly dating, the conversation was sweet and the love was growing.

Until, out of nowhere, pain surfaced that you hadn’t thought about for years.

And there, in the car, you broke down.

Instead of ending things on the spot, Ariana stuck by your side. She never let you go.

She became your protector. Your safe place.

Then your vow to remain with her until “death do you part” became a reality.

You watched your best friend not just breathe her last breath, but you watched as the years of cancer withered away her body and personality.

You spent decades of your life angry at your Dad. Feeling abandoned. Feeling like he never wanted to know you.

You tried. F*ck did you try. You wanted to have a relationship with him, but he wouldn’t have it.

A father only in genetics. A man too broken to have a son.

So you gave up on him.

Until he got cancer.

And for the next year you reconciled and our inner child was able to finally get that hug he was waiting 30 years for.

Then he died. Ripped from your life the moment he came in.

Your life has not been easy. And I could say, “no one’s life is.” But I won’t do that. Not here. Not to you.

You must hear and understand. Your life has been particularly difficult and I know you won’t admit that. So, I’ll say it for the both of us.

And, I want you to know, that despite all the pain, it has not gone to waste. Because you chose to make it a gift.

A gift, not for you, but for me and others. You went head first into the pain to confront it. To bring light into the shadow. Knowing you would never experience the other side.

You showed up every day, stared the monster in the eye, and stood up again and again.

CJ, I only exist today, able to write this letter, because of you.

You are a giant.

You haven’t had a choice in the events that have happened in your life.

And yes, I know you believed ending your life was the only way to escape the pain at times. Or that it would be better for your wife and children without you in their lives.

Gone. Forever.

You believed that you were so fundamentally broken that you were no good to anyone.

But you persisted. Not by yourself, but with the strength of those who surrounded you.

Thank you for choosing to stay.

Thank you for remaining in the work.

Thank you for the blind trust that you were creating a better world for me.

When Kindness Made You Sick

Kindness directed towards you, made you sick.

The kind of sick that burns in your throat.

Not because you were resisting pride and remaining humble.

No, you physically hurt upon receiving any kindness, because you never believed there was anything worth kindness in your heart or soul.

And yet, now I sit here writing this letter to tell you, CJ, we can finally accept those things. Not only accept them, but we believe them for more than a fleeting moment.

The pressure to succeed, be special, and be all things to everyone all the time is finally off.

My motivation is no longer driven by needing to feel worth. I exist for the joy of the work for the work’s sake.

The War No One Saw

The war within raged far greater, deeper, and more painful than anyone on the outside ever saw.

You didn’t let it defeat you.

You stood your ground and fought.

No one will ever know what it took, but I do.

You have made my life better.

You have given me hope for a future.

You have given me a reason to wake up each day.

We are entering a new year. Life is moving forward and we are getting older.

I know you feel that old age is just a degradation in your fleeting worth, but I see it as a gift.

Ariana never got to see her 40s.

I turn 41 this year.

I don’t know how much longer I have on this earth, but I do know that each day is one more opportunity to be 1% better.

Getting old means more chances to grow, connect, and love.

Still amidst the pain that never leaves, but a pain that has transformed into a dull ache.

I Forgive You

You have hurt and misjudged people, said horrible things, possessed damaging beliefs, despite how perfect you tried to be.

Because anything less than perfect was criminal.

You will never forgive yourself.

But I do.

I forgive you for being human and a monster. Being a monster comes with the territory of humanity.

Learning is as much about the mistakes as it is about the things you get right. Maybe more so.

You were born to learn through experience. It is going to result in many mistakes, failures, and unpleasant experiences.

And I love you just the same.

I love your excitement for the experimentation and willingness to fail out loud.

Her Love Transcended Her Death

You refused to believe people counted on you, because you could never count on yourself.

But they do, CJ, and I see it everyday. Your whole mission in life is to help others through their pain and learn to grow through their emotions.

That, by definition, is having people rely on you.

You are an example to me.

You kept going, even when the world stacked the odds against you.

And you know what, you’re so f*cking capable.

You can’t feel it, but I do.

The kids are growing up to be beautiful humans. Ariana gets to look on with admiration for the product of her love.

Because her love has transcended death.

It reached into the kids’ hearts and yours.

It held the four of you together, even when it felt like everything was falling apart.

When I get scared now.

When I feel at my worst.

It only takes one moment of connection with the kids to feel the depth of that love.

Thank you.

You Will Never Be Abandoned Again

I will leave you with this:

Though you may continue to live in fear, panic, and hatred of yourself, I will never abandon you.

I am here for good. So, whenever I feel your rage and angst rising in our body, I will notice the signs.

Instead of fighting it, I will call out to you and reassure you that you are loved.

Maybe not by others, but by me.

We have experienced deep abandonment, and now, I am telling you that you will never be abandoned again.

People will come and go. They will disappoint and hurt.

But I am always here.

Where we stand, we win.

With all the respect and love I can muster, I give to you.

— CJ

P.S. If this letter stirred something in you—if you've been at war with yourself and wondering who you're becoming—I made something for you. Identity After Grief: The 8-Day Rebuild is a free email course to help you start putting the pieces back together. No platitudes. Just practical steps and permission to begin.

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If you enjoyed this read, the best compliment I could receive would be if you shared it with one person or restacked it.

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Comment and share how your relationship with self has changed over the years.

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